The Lion and the Unicorn Part 4
by Atlanta Jade
Summary: A continuation of the parody


Disclaimers in part 1 

Part 4 

The queasiness had not eased off, so Scully had decided not to go into work. She couldn't stand the aggravation of Mulder or the teasing of the other agents. One day she would find the nerve to tell everyone in the FBI to take their heads from out of their arses, because they were full of shit. However, for now Scully was still trying to focus on sleep and not being sick. The 'ooka chakka' of the dancing baby was getting on her nerves and was giving her motion sickness. She wished that there was a way to get rid of it. She thought about poisoning it, but that only works really well on rats and foxes. Same thing. The phone rang (again, as phones do) and so Scully, with a great effort, answered it. She should have known better. Phones are extremely dangerous objects, you never know when someone may hit you over the head with one. Believe me, it has been done. "Scully. If you could be any type of animal, what would you be?" Scully made a semi scary face at the phone. Now there is a difference between scary and semi scary. Scary is Mulder's nose, semi scary is Frohicke's underwear. "Mulder, what do you want?" she replied, fighting the nausea. "Just answer the question, damnit!" "A unicorn." "Well I would be a lion so I guess I get to beat you round town then." Mulder responded sarcastically. The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the dung The lion thought the unicorn was far too highly strung. The lion was a masochist, so lonely and so young. He thought that he had been betrayed by the unicorn he had rung.. 

"Shut up Mulder." "Scully, can you help me solve the mystery of the horny beast?" Mulder asked. He was getting a strange sense of deja vu. He was sure that he had tried that line on someone before. It is a well known fact that men posses only 2 chat up lines. The usual ones are, 'So do you come here often?' and 'How do you like your eggs in the morning?.' Mulder was a little more inventive, but one thing remains the same that associates him with all men in the universe. He did not realise that cheesy chat up lines are not the way to go. A theory presented by the "LCMC - Less Cheese from Men Commission" stated that all men should wear warning lights with their favourite chat up lines pasted to their back. That way, women would know who to avoid completely. They should also be rated according to their backsides, for which a score from one to ten should be given. Scully, subscribed to this theory, as it did have a rational explanation for it. She couldn't think what, but contented herself with the thought that some things in life just have to be done regardless of whether or not it is appropriate. Mulder rated quite highly with Scully despite being one of the greatest annoyances in her life. She gave him a high eight. "Mulder you imbecile. You had better keep away from me or I will stretch you nose so out of proportion that no amount of plastic surgery will ever fix it." Mulder had pushed her beyond the point of tolerance. He was going to get a kick in the wrong place the next time she saw him. Mulder too was infuriated by this response so he summoned up all his aggression (which was a lot) and prepared to insult Scully back. "Scully, if you could be any Spice Girl who would you be? Slutty Spice?" Scully slammed the phone down in anger. How dare Mulder insult her like that. She grabbed her gun and decided to go into work just to show Mulder exactly what she could handle. In fury, she marched over to the door, opened it and thumped the first thing to get in her way. With a thud, the annoyance hit the floor. Scully felt no remorse as she stared down at the slumped body of Mulder, Spooky Mulder whose head was abducted when he was just a kid and was replaced with an asteroid so now when he looks in the mirror, his head doesn't fit on. Now, after a few minutes of remorse contemplation, Scully felt the presence of two beings on her shoulder. Angel Scully and devil Scully. It is highly likely that she was hallucinating at this point, for I have never had the happy experience of my conscience sitting on my shoulder, telling me what to do, although some movies or television programs would have you believe that this is truly possible. At least the dancing baby wasn't around for this. "Scully, Mulder is a prat. He deserved it. Just leave him there and go." Devil Scully said. Angel Scully was in total disagreement. "But he's your partner, for six years. You did this to him Dana. You injured him. What if he dies?" She was beginning to sound like Mulder on a guilt trip. In fact Devil Scully was beginning to look like Mulder with a diaper and a bottle. Mulder was a dancing baby! There were now two dancing babies. They had replicated!! 'Oh, you're going to pay for this Mulder' Scully said out loud as she dragged him into her apartment. 

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Mulder awoke to the sound of the television. 'Its a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small world after all.' He screamed, not a male yelp, but an original girly scream. This was worse than torture. It was a nightmare and Skinner and Frohicke were in it. Two bald heads with glasses stared down at him. He jumped up and promptly knocked Skinner out and then Frohicke. He wasn't sure which one was the father, but he was quite happy to blame them both. It was better than playing 'whack the gophers', except his fist hurt. However, he was quite enjoying the dream except for the fact that Scully was trying to attend to Skinner in a very caring way, so he lay down and went back to sleep. "Mulder!!! Just what do you think you are playing at?" Scully shouted. 'Oh God, I wasn't dreaming' Mulder thought, but then relaxed. He had been wanting to do that for a long time. 24 hours to be precise. Precision is important when calculating the time it takes for someone to get angry and then that same someone to use violence. In Mulder's case this was a time delayed reaction. "Gopher whacking," Mulder replied. "You should try it. It's fun!" He was still in a semi conscious state so Scully felt that she couldn't shout at him properly. It would have to wait. Meanwhile, she would focus on Skinner and Frohicke. They were more important than a delusional, arrogant Mulder. Or were they? She felt divided on that issue, so she chose the safe route. Round the chairs and away from Baby face. ********************************************************************************* 

Mulder regained consciousness shortly after Skinner, but Frohicke still remained out for the count. He was elsewhere in the apartment, somewhere Mulder couldn't see. He heard the sound of voices coming from the kitchen so he went to eavesdrop on them. It was Scully and Skinner sitting at the kitchen table, looking as though they were having a serious conversation. How dare they isolate him! He wanted to be involved in every conversation that took place. It was his right to know what was going on. 'Everything is about you Mulder.' He thought. "Look, Dana. Don't worry about what the other agents will think. They'll get over it in time." He heard Skinner say. "Yes, but for the next six months they're going to be wondering what has been going on. I don't think that I can handle them without causing more trouble..... and as for Mulder." "Mulder will just have to deal with it. He's used to it anyway." "You know, it's nice to be able to talk to you about this. It means a lot to me." Scully took hold of Skinner's hand. Mulder's jaw dropped open and he had another 'Sunset Beach' attack. He began pacing outside the door, thinking out loud to himself. Of course no one else could hear him despite the fact that Scully and Skinner were only five feet away. "I can't believe Scully has done this. But, it's what I've suspected all along. The little slut. Ohhhhhhh" he sighed trying to regain his composure. "I will walk into that kitchen calmly and ask what they are talking about. Come on Mulder, you can do it" he tried to reassure himself. He reached for the door handle and turned it. In a breech of Sunset Beach protocol, Mulder did not wait at least six episodes before entering the room. Neither did he shake and quiver and look totally useless in a complete performance called overacting. His understated mood, remained as ever, understated. The sad, perverted one . - his face was so blank and expressionless. I think he was a mandroid. "It means a lot to me too, " he said as his opening line. "What are you talking about?" A now calmer Scully replied. "Pregnancy and testosterone. You should know a lot about them." Skinner laughed out loud, but then his jaw began to ache from Mulder's punch, so he stopped. Mulder, however was not amused, which was evident from his expanding and contracting jaw. Scully wanted to shove a lollipop down his throat just to see whether he would turn into a screaming kid. Mulder wanted to pour water over Scully to see whether witches actually did melt. With much consideration, he refrained from this foolish act and managed to take a chill pill. "Scully," he said trying to pluck up the courage to ask the billion dollar question. "Are you pregnant?" Scully found something about this hilarious. Maybe it was Mulder's tie that day, maybe it was his hair or maybe it was just the question. "Yeah Mulder," she replied "And you're the father!" 

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Mulder took a time out to think. Actually, it was only a millisecond so therefore the other people did not have to be put into suspended animation. Skinner was avoiding eye contact. Scully was reassessing the LCMC situation. She upgraded Mulder's rating to a nine so that he was level with Skinner. "That's impossible," Mulder replied sceptically. "Really, you think?" Scully answered him sarcastically. "Which part do you find difficult to believe?" "The majority of it." "Believe the lie Mulder. Deny everything. Trust no one. When science holds no answers may we finally turn to the fantastic as a plausibility." Scully's revenge was complete. Mulder now knew the true irritating nature of the shiteness he had been waffling about for all these years. Looking and feeling dejected, Mulder did not know what to believe. He wanted to believe but the tools had been taken away from him. The only thing pure he had left in his life was 'Sunset Beach'. He would watch it episode by episode, searching for the true meaning of life, for the truth was out there! "But, but........" he stuttered "what should I do, where should I go?" Scully, looked back earnestly at him, feeling the sadness of his and her sacrifice. "Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn." Mulder turned to release himself from that terrible apartment. He took a wrong turning along the way and stumbled across Frohicke. The realisation of where Frohicke actually was, hit him hard. He was situated in Scully's bedroom, lying in her bed, fast asleep. Sadness crept over him and he felt his heart breaking, but it was nothing that a large pie and a porn video wouldn't fix. 

THE END 

by Julia Winarso 

Feedback to pwinarso@lineone.net. 

I hope you all enjoyed this!!!!!! It went on for a little longer that I expected, but never mind. Thanks for reading! 


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